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Alright ladies (and gentlemen)- I have a scenario for you. Imagine you are laying on the couch at your significant other’s place. They are in the other room. Suddenly they walk through the hallway wearing nothing but their underwear. You are now thinking, “Damn…I could hit that.” So, you make your move and just when your lips hit his…”EW! What have you been eating?!” And your sexy stud holds up a can of ranch-flavored pringles.

The curse of the bad breath- I would even argue that even if you and your hot, underwear-wearing dude both eat something skanky, chances are you can still taste it. Or at least I can. There are so many foods that I try to stay away from, just because I can’t stand the way they make MY breath smell and taste- screw everyone else.

Here is my list of the top 10 breath/makeout offenders.

10) Dr. Pepper- I am not sure what it is about this particular drink that gives me the willies. Sure, I like the drink…just not the residue.

9) Ice cream-You could pretty much put all dairy here, but the leftover milk product coating your tongue is less than sexy.

8 ) Chocolate- Plus it coats your throat, making you short on saliva.

7) Garlic- I know what you’re thinking, “Garlic should be higher on the list!” I actually like garlic, so number 7 it is.

6) Doritos- I’m going to go ahead and throw Gardettos in here too. Just for good measure.

5) Cheese- I know I covered dairy products in number 9, but cheese gets it own category. I mean, Pepperjack? Cheddar? Curds? It’s all pretty vicious.

4) Chocolate Milk- see 8 and 9

3) Morning breath- ok, I know everyone has it. But dude- some of that stuff could choke a maggot.

2) Onion- raw onion, especially. Oh? You want an extra slice of onion on your burger? You are sleeping alone tonight, buddy.

And the number one, mood-killing bad-breath offender is

1) RANCH FLAVORED PRINGLES

What? Like there was any doubt?

I would like to give a shout out to my losing fantasy football team….they won this week! Dr. Big tells me that I have the most talented losing team ever. I would have to agree with that statement. They have been sucking ass for weeks and underperforming and just generally blowing chunks. What makes this situation even more hilarious is that this was the week that all of my starters had a bye. So I win with all of my backups. Makes me rethink the next few weeks…